After an enormous hiatus I am finally attempting to get back into the swing of things. One of my worst fears when starting a blog (or any new endeavor really) is the potential of not following through. A personal fear of mine is one of failure. Whether it be failure of completion or failure of perfection. It can be debilitating and every day I struggle with not being too hard on myself. This fear can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet, that is not how I want to live my life, nor instill that in my child. So I started this project with the best of intentions in mind. Then life happened....
If you know me personally, or even through the interwebs, I am an open book. I've been keeping it real since 1984! My intentions are never to steer any body wrong or keep things hidden, but it's not always JUST my story to tell. Things were said and done that my son never needs to read about on the internet. I'm optimistic and hope things don't always have to be the way they are and that every one in my son's life is dedicated to his best interests. That being said, this last year I have dedicated my time and lost myself being the mom and advocate my child needed me to be. Both in court and tending to his medical needs. Also, if I'm being terribly honest with you ( and myself) I've spent too much time dwelling on the negatives.
In the process I have learned so much, continued a journey of self-discovery, and remembering that I am a force to be reckoned with. I've built boundaries, self-confidence and self-awareness and trying to let that guide me moving forward.
I also have been humbled by the amount of support we have. I will always be grateful to those of you. Those of you who donated their time, money, and your efforts. All of you who thought of us, supported us, advocated with us. Those who prayed to whatever God(s) you have, or just took the time out of your hectic day to reach out or just gave us and our journey a passing thought.
Again, I don't mean to be coy, but out of respect to those involved I'll keep it short and sweet. I do believe I have done my best to keep my son safe. Most importantly, he is now able to get the medical care he needs. While I still have my reservations about the situation I am trying to keep positive. It has been a big change for the little and it has been difficult. I'm just trying to make the adjustment as easy as possible for him and keep him from the behind the scene adult-issues he should never be burdened with.
This leads me to my other world that has held me hostage the last year. The little has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and on the road to a potential Autism diagnosis. I noticed he had issues with eating certain textures and other sensory particulars around 8 months. At 14 months and he refused to eat anything except breast milk, I felt the need to get answers. At almost three I was finally taken seriously and I was able to get him tested, occupational therapy, speech therapy, physical therapy and ABA therapy. It's been a long road and it is never ending. While I am new to all of this, it seems that once the ball has begun rolling I can do nothing to stop it and I am careening down this hill of therapy, research, appointments, paperwork, etc. All with a sense of urgency that comes from knowing there are answers beyond the effort.
So for the last year I feel as though I have lived in another world. A parallel universe with one mission: to do all I can for my little. In this parallel universe my days were spent in court and at doctors appointments and my nights were spent processing and preparing for both. If you have seen me at a play date or other activity and I have been more "zombie-mom" than usual, now you know why and where I disappeared too. I could not do it all so I did what was most important. Adding on unexpected surgery and other life stressors, I am now above water most days. Albeit I am still treading water, But I can't allow the fear of failure or lack of perfection pull me under. So today I start here. Stealing time for me in the Walmart parking lot while I let the little take a late nap. Imperfect but not failing.