Eight Neuro-Affirming Ways to Get Through the Holidays

The holiday season can be joyful, magical, and deeply meaningful—but for some it can also be overwhelming, stressful, and dysregulating. Many families move through the season carrying invisible labor, emotional weight, and constant adaptation. Bright lights, crowded gatherings, disrupted routines, smells, and sensory overload can make holidays and this time of year especially challenging for many, especially for neurodivergent and disabled individuals. By intentionally creating more inclusive, flexible, and sensory-considerate celebrations, we can ensure that everyone feels welcome and able to participate in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

I often dread the holidays because it is a change to my son’s routine. School is out for the day or weeks, the different schedule between parents, and sometimes the actual date or day of the week can have him discombobulated for weeks at a time.

One year April 1st fell on a Wednesday, his birthday a Thursday in April, celebrated on a weekend, and Easter soon after. For weeks leading up to it and weeks after, I had to remind him of the month, and schedule almost daily. Perhaps because just like New Years, it was the beginning of something in the middle of something else. He just couldn't grasp it. This also showed up as irritability and confusion. Most of the time we treat holidays as detached entities; Social constructs with no bearing on our life except that there are certain expectations and it changes the behavior of others.

We embrace doing things that work for us with little regard to what others think. We plan, we accommodate, and we remove ourselves from what doesn’t fit. However, sometimes, and for many other families, avoiding the holidays and all it can bring is not always possible.

Here are eight tips to ensure a neuro-affirming holiday season that reduces the overwhelm, stress and dysregulation.

1. Provide Clear Expectations Ahead of Time

Social uncertainty can be stressful. Create and share the schedule, event details, menu, dress code, and activity list in advance, whether you plan to follow it or not. If hosting, create this with your loved one and include their input as much as possible. Social stories, visual schedules or written outlines, and scripts can be extremely helpful for both kids and adults and can be referred back to often. This is great for those who need to go over the plan, especially those who ask daily, or hourly, about it. It also lends to more independent regulation and less emotional labor for the co-regulator.

If attending events elsewhere, don’t be afraid to reach out to the host to ask these details. Hopefully the host will accommodate the needs of the individual, however, not everyone will or can. Which may also help you decide if its an appropriate event to attend at all. Find out as much as possible and incorporate that into your front loading process.

Some questions and information I ask when attending events:

How many people do you expect?

Who will be there?

What food will be there be and what are the ingredients?

Is there pets or animals?

Can we come early (or late)?

What is the environment (house, outdoor space, table set up etc)?

What time are the planned events?

What is the start time and expected end time?

Will I have access to a refrigeration, microwave, oven, or stove?

If these answers are unknown, address them in your plan and be honest yet vague enough with your loved one to plan for flexibility. Estimate or take an educated guess and have contingency plans for the unknown. If I don't know the exact number of guests, I usually say something like between 5 and 20. This gives flexibility and opens up expectations, especially for those who focus on exacts. If you don’t know if you will have access to prep food, such as an oven vs. a microwave, take all options. I might bring premade pizza, a hamburger, and extra strawberries (all safe foods for my son). That way if I don’t have reheating capabilities, he will gladly fill up on strawberries. Or, I might just plan on getting him a Carls Jr. hamburger on the way. Something he will eat fresh or a few hours old. It’s better to have it and not need it than not have it and need it. Let your loved one know and reassure them with the contingency plan.

Sample of a schedule we used for our annual community eggstravaganza. Get creative with printed visuals. Hang them on the wall, fridge, upload to their AAC or PEC's board.

For events like birthday parties I ask the host what their main item is so I can provide an alternative option he will actually eat. So if its pizza, I will bring his preferred brand of pizza (Blaze Pizza). He doesn’t like cake, so  he chooses a sweet treat to bring for him while the other eat cake so he can still participate in the festivities.

2. Be flexible about traditions and participation (or start your own).

Many neurodivergent individuals find comfort in routine. While traditions can seem routine, if they only happen once a year, they are not routine. Don’t force participation in said traditions, let them join in in the ways they are comfortable, alter them family/event wide, and give the individual the ability to opt out. If at Thanksgiving everyone goes around the table to say what they are thankful for, don’t put that pressure on them. For many, talking in front of a crowd, being put on the spot, internal pressure to have one correct answer, or having all eyes on them is overwhelming. If you are uncertain, ask them  ahead of time and tell the host how it needs to be handled. If they don’t want to speak, it doesn’t need to be addressed at the table, just don’t call on them.

My son and I stay home on Thanksgiving. He does not like the smells, sounds, or people of the day. I either porch pick up food or my mom cooks at her house and I go pick up food for myself. He gets Carl’s Jr. We take time to appreciate the indigenous people of our land, all they endured, and look up the local tribes in our area (here is the resource we use native-land.ca). Then we watch one of his favorite documentaries on the 2004 Asian Tsunami (a Christmas and day after Christmas tradition as well).

Honestly, it works for me too. I don’t have to mask, be put in the position to make small talk or hug people.

This goes for events like birthdays too. Some people, my son included, have trouble with singing or having attention on them when opening presents. Make sure you know their preferences ahead of time and make it known. Some years my son wants loud singing, sometimes whisper singing, and sometimes no singing whatsoever. The same for opening presents.

Arrive early or late. My son does better in a crowd if we are at events early to acclimate with everyone trickling in, rather than arriving to a room full of people. For others, arriving late can help with the waiting process. If it's hard for the individual to wait for food or events to start, come later. Even if that means having the host set aside a plate with their preferred options.

3. Build in Breaks During Events

Here are some examples of tools and fidgets we bring with us and also available in our shop.

Instead of planning back-to-back activities, schedule intentional downtime. Breaks allow time to regulate, recharge, and get through the rest of the day without overload. Take a walk, find a safe space, or use the tools of regulation you packed in your Just in Case (more on that later).

4. Create a safe space

Create a dedicated quiet room or calming corner with soft lighting, away from sounds, comfortable seating, and minimal decorations or distractions. Try to limit anything that might be dysregulating. Avoid strong scented items like candles or potpourri. Smells for my son can’t be avoided so we often don’t go. Bring your loved ones tools for regulation and sensory control, like headphones or tablet, and preferred food.

Many immediate caregivers serve as a co-regulator, someone who helps with the emotional and behavioral regulation of another person. It involves a calmer person using their presence to help a more distressed person manage their emotions. Make sure they have access to their co-regulator to help them through it and be a buffer. Hopefully and eventually they will learn their own ways to regulate and be able to do so. However, a stressful situation out of their comfort zone is not the circumstance for expectation on ability to do, expectation of compliance, or a teachable moment.

If you are hosting, have your child participate in choosing what works best and honor that. Ask guests to not wear strong scents. Allow them to go to their safe place or otherwise not engage and don’t let anyone else invade that space. If their safe place is their room and they don’t want anyone in there, make it known. Whether they are in the room or not-its off limits.

5. Make social expectations optional

Follow your loved ones lead. Don’t require, greetings small talk, group games, or eye contact. Allow your loved one to express affection or gratitude in the way that feels natural to them, whether that’s through a wave, a smile, a nod, or simply presence. Allow them to freely stim, use scripts, or their preferred way of communication. Understand these boundaries and abilities might change throughout the day. The more demand the holidays (or people) put in place, the quicker social batteries are depleted. Again, these events should not require or prioritize "teachable moments", forcing a person to "using your words", full sentences, or prioritizing (more capable) others expectations and desires over their needs.

Don’t force anything, especially affection such as hugs or kisses. Especially if the end goal is to one day participate willingly. Forcing something upon them will only make them dread the day. Think about it this way, if you know the only time your boss calls you into their office is to deliver bad news, you are going to dread being called in the office. Eventually, you might also dread just walking by their office because you associate the bad with the location. Or you may come to resent them. So, if every time they have to go to Christmas dinner and are forced to mask, “be polite” and hug Aunt Sandy with their smelly perfume, or Grandma Jean forces a kiss on the cheek even if your loved one turns away or says no, they are going to dread these moments. This can also lead to anxiety masked as resistance or negative behavior and they are less likely to want to try again the next year.

6. Bring a “Just in Case”

One of Just in Case meals

Provide familiar, “safe” foods alongside the festive options. Avoid pressuring your loved one to try new dishes, an already stressful situation is not the time to force them to try new things. Sensory particulars, dietary restrictions or allergies, or disordered eating can compound this. For some, just asking if they want to try something can cause anxiety. Putting something new or unwanted on their plate, especially without their consent, can ruin the whole plate of food and can be dysregulating. If they can  tolerate being asked, ask once and be okay with the answer. If someone else is dishing out the food make sure they don’t force it either.

What works for me and my son both is viewing the food ahead of time and before the crowd descends. This might include going up to the table if buffet style or asking to go in the kitchen ahead of time. If possible I like to choose my food first as I have OCD I like to pick the piece I like best based on proportion of ingredients, fat content, where its located on the plate, or an array of reasons that my brain deems rational in that moment. I also like to find the trash can if I need to discreetly throw food I don’t like away.

Regardless of if my son or I are okay with the menu, bring a “Just In Case” Case. This is what we call out lunch bag and/or items we may need such as a change of clothes for all weather, fidgets, spit bowl, silverware, back up food , and whatever else he might deem neccessary. Even if I know it's overboard. Does he need 3 pairs of underwear, 3 outfits, and two sweaters for a three hour event five miles from our house? Probably not but it reduces his anxiety so what's .the harm? This ensures we have all that we need and can be self sustaining in case we don’t like the food, are wary of it, unsure of the menu etc. My son prefers certain brands and wants to see the expiration date on packaging or is nervous of dairy (even if there is none). Again, it’s better to have it and not need it, than not have it and need it.

7. Use Inclusive Gift-Giving Practices

How we number our gifts.

Some people may find surprises stressful. Some may not want to open in front of others as it can be a lot of pressure to provide the “correct” response.

For Christmas or any present giving holidays my son prefers we number his gifts. We usually order Lego sets during their drop months (January and August) and he chooses what gifts he wants to open at specific holidays. He also chooses what order he wants to open them on the actual holiday and I number them according. This way he can still participate in the fun of unwrapping in the way he is most comfortable. This also allows him to regulate his excitement. We also take breaks in between so he can savor the things he has received. One year it took him three days to open six presents!

Last Christmas, after nine years, he decided he wanted to be surprised and asked me to switch the numbers on his gifts. This year he doesn't want to be surprised.

Honor the individuals wishes, especially if you ask what they like or want as gifts. If they have a wishlist or specific item get that exact item (assuming its not a financial burden). They may have specific expectations such as color or brand and getting the “wrong” thing can be dysregulating. They have also most likely put a lot of thought into what they want, don’t minimize their labor. For those with specific interests, they may have a majority of what’s available in the market and the items on their list may be niche or the very few items they don't have for their collection.

For example, my son loves garbage trucks and has about 20, and certainly all of the readily available ones from the major retailers. So just any garbage truck will not do. He and I have painstakingly searched for years to build his collection. At the height of his interest, we have even had to directly contact a company based in another country to have one shipped.

Or, some prefer practical items over traditional gifts. Do not go rogue, especially if choosing from a wishlist or picture. Often times, well meaning gift givers will give a gift they think is best and disregard requests, especially if the gift doesn’t make sense to them. One year a friends child asked for a fire alarm, another a box of cereal. So that’s exactly what we got them.

Growing up my mom was always reluctant to give me money. She wanted to provide a gift. She would always tell me cash was so impersonal. Perhaps because the joy of giving the “perfect” item made it all the more special. For her. For me it was pressure. Pressure to provide the equivalent reaction of joy as she felt when she pick it out. She would watch me so intently to see my reaction. However, to me, money is never impersonal, . Its what I asked for. I have control over what I chose and when,  and receiving something else felt impersonal like she disregarded my feelings and didn’t truly know me. Which would immedietly make me internalize shame and guilt because I should be grateful I got anything at all (which I was). Now if she wants to give me a gift she asks what I want and gets exactly that. At times she still finds my (or my sons) requests odd, but has come to realize this method gives all of us the immense joy she strives for and my reaction is sincere without the inner turmoil.

8. Have an Exit Plan-Be Assertive

Always have an exit plan whether it be the situation (like knowing where to spit out food you don’t like) or leaving altogether. If it's not working out for you or your loved one, it’s okay to leave. If others can’t honor these needs (within reason) or are upset that you brought your own accommodations, you do not have to be there or have them in your home. This includes family. You or your loved one have a right to do what is best for your situation. It’s not special treatment; they aren’t being manipulative, it's not babying or spoiling them. It's honoring their needs and respecting boundaries. This is especially important for those who need them to regulate and/or cannot or find difficulty in advocating on their own.

There is no “right” way to do the holidays; they just need to be accessible, inclusive, and rooted in respect. When we prioritize regulation over compliance, social expectations, or tradition we create celebrations that feel safe, joyful, and genuine for everyone. Neuro-affirming practices aren’t “extra”; they’re humane, inclusive, and deeply supportive. When we meet our loved ones where they are and honor the ways they can show up, the season becomes less about enduring, and more about belonging. By doing so we all get to experience a holiday season that feels a little lighter, a little calmer, and a lot more authentic.

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